Gaming

I often think about her a lot, what her name will be, what color her eyes will be, what her dad does for a living, if she will end up like her mom, how will she handle my mistakes, will she enjoy the same things as me, if my family will like her, and if her family will like me among many others. I wonder if I’ve already met her or that moment is still to take place, if it’s a moment at all. I consider giving up this game of dating and relationships daily because it’s juvenile, yet my inexperience tells me to keep playing. Maybe instead of mastering ‘the game’ I should master surrender.

I love games and I love winning. What I have learned from playing games my entire life is pretty simple, they hurt. Dating games break hearts, sporting games make one team (or person) feel less than another, video games just waste your life away usually hurting others. Not often do two parties walk away feeling great about anything that happened. Of course there is strength found in losing (this blog almost defines it), but I would argue that there are easier routes to the end and to education.

I pray not for the one but for the best one. I pray God prepares my heart and body to lead. I pray I can jump when called and stand strong when not. I pray for God’s will over mine because in all reality I’m rather dumb. I pray to continue building my faith when I already know its rock solid. This isn’t a plea in desperation, but in thought, not for you or me but for Christ.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the heart of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. – Ecclesiastes 3:11

I wrote this two years ago on an attempt to save some of my prayers, this is the only one that survived.

I want to jump for joy, sing praises, and shout your name in thankfulness. Lord, you alone can calm us. Glory in the highest for saving my soul, the same soul that Satan dwells in. Thank you for being a light in a dark world filled with temptations on every corner and square. You alone can do all things, give the greatest blessings and fulfill the furthermost desires.

Without you Lord I know the depth of the hole of which I’d live. Lord my prayer is not for anything other than satisfaction. I pray with my face in the dirt for protection against what I believe to be wrong. I ask for strength to continue trusting You for my needs and desires. I'm afraid of the world after living in it. I'm a complete epic failure, but when I'm with you I am a sinful human being that actually matters and whom is dearly loved. I stand in sorrow because of the false lust in my heart, the desires to share moments and emotions with someone else other than the one you have for me. My princess is out there breathing the same air as I and receiving the same gifts of grace and mercy. Yet, I often choose the dark and lost instead of waiting for the bright and found.

I pray for her as I hope she prays for me. I pray that we both grasp how badly we need a Savior as much as we long for each other. I pray for her thoughts and actions, I pray that they are overflowing with love and simple beauty. I pray for my hands to be empty until we meet, I pray for my heart to never again be broken, I pray for my purity in its fullness to remain. I pray for courage to speak when needed, to love when wanted, and to give everything as if tomorrow was not going to come. I pray for my princess, that I may be her prince.

-End & To Be Continued

Reflection and Anticipation

It has been one of those nights where reflection and anticipation meet somewhere in the middle. I’m not sure quite where that is nor how to begin describing it. Reflection looks back, the past, what has been done either for the better or for the worse. Anticipation forces us to wait for tomorrow, the next minute, the next smile, the next conversation… what will it bring?

Tonight I started thinking more about my story and how honestly I stopped writing it. Yah sure, I’ve done this or I’ve done that, I’m still plugging away at college, working more than I should, and enjoying life, but I haven’t really done anything. Ever went to bed at night and been dead tired yet you’re not able to pin point a single thing that actually got accomplished? That is how I feel right now. Ok, maybe not quite that bad, but close.

Looking back I can see this beautiful path that was cut for me through the thickest brush, deepest water, and highest mountain. Realistically speaking, God cuts a path for a lot of people in many different ways to countless different roles. I can’t help but feel mine is different, my path took extra work, the trees were thicker, it was dark and raining, the waves were high, the mountains cold and deadly.

I don’t say this out of pride for myself but out of love for Christ. He has delivered me through so much and still maintains the patience throughout for when I decided He is paving this path too slow or incorrectly. Speaking from my heart I can say I don’t know how it happened, I don’t remember when it started, I don’t remember every detail, every person, every moment, but I remember the darkness. One day I will write about it.

Last post I stated that I wanted a challenge; I was comfortable and didn’t like it. I wasn’t growing in the ways I should and that’s just no good! I’m setting myself up for a bigger personal challenge and that is to continue writing my story. It is the single handed biggest testimony I have, it is mine and no one can copy it or steal it. I can tell the world and inspire others to live. My desire is for someone else to cut through the woods so far and deep they won’t ever have a desire to return to where they were.

I don’t desire to build myself up, but to help others build themselves up.

The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps. – Proverbs 16:9

Marathons, Elections, & Hope

I gained 10 pounds since I dropped out of IM. I guess it effected me more than I'd like to admit... that or the sudden drop in training by 10+ hours a week left me weak and frail. I figured I'd do what all iron crazy people do, sign up for something crazy! Don't worry, only a marathon, April 30th, 2011 in Louisville. Training started Monday and it will be slow at first but I'm excited, I enjoy having goals to work towards and I'm usually not one to give up. Plus it will help prepare me mentally for any half or full irons later in life.

The elections were today, between tea parties, the rent is too high parties, democrats, republicans, and the media... I'm burnt out. However, I'm happy for change (or what I believe will at least be attempted change that actually helps, read: Obama hasn't helped anyone). There will always be lobbyists, propaganda, favorites, spending, wastefulness, etc because we're human, we're the US, and we're just kinda dumb sometimes. That's okay though, at least the next set of problems can be blamed on the 'republications' being someone has to be at fault. For the record, the rent is too high.

I once knew a girl named Hope, then I knew another girl named Hope. I have no idea where either of them are today but I still like the word. With the elections, graduating from college, the marathon, and just growing up; I have a lot of hope and dreams. Each day I am continually blessed by the Lord when I don't deserve it.

Let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.

James 1:12

I pray for your hope, that you may find it, realize it, and embrace it.

Impressive

College is lame, hard, annoying, frustrating, emotionally draining, silly, fun, a joke, waste of time, an asset, life, dumb, challenging, demanding, knowledgeable, costly, ETC. College is a lot of things to a lot of people. Right now the scale is weighted to the 'fed up' side, partly because I'm a SR, partly because I have four weeks left in a 19 credit hour semester.

I suppose this point comes in everyone's semester... the point where you want to give up and can't, the point where your grades suck but you can't really fix them, the point where group projects get behind, the point where sleep starts to be put on the back burner to attempt to learn things about (for me) cross docking, subcultures, and direct marketing. I personally don't really care about any of those, but I'm told I should care so I end up caring. Caring is the first step in a many step program called life. I Digress.

I think the hardest thing for me is not being able to impress those that I really want to while at the same time not noticing how much I do impress others. I'd like to impress all my teachers, show that I'm the next Bill Gates, the next Facebook guy, the next whatever because I'm just so cool. I'd also like to impress a girl, my parents, my friends, and myself. Truth is I'm just me and that isn't anyone terribly special or smart, but I have my moments and I guess that makes me momently cool. Yes, I just said that.

At the end of the day (I actually learned that line from probably my favorite teacher in the whole world (minus my parents of course), Dr. D. You should take her for marketing, you'll learn something because she is quite impressive) anyway, at the end of the day I actually do impress myself, not so much that I'm Brad Pitt (or whoever girls go crazy about these days), but that I'm no longer who I was last year, last month, or yesterday. I'm growing, learning, becoming stronger, more knowledgeable, more kind, and that is impressive because a lot of people never learn to embrace what they have.